Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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