The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
