I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
