Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
