I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
