the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
