I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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