ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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