A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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