i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
