I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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