Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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