I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
