Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
