Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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