he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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