on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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