We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
