You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize