i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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