turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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