Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I cut my penus on the lid.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
