it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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