I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
