Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
