i used baking grease as lip gloss
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
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you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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