his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
