mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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