do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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