she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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