cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
