a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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