so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
