I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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