someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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