I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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