this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
