oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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