Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
