Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
