My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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