just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
