Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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