Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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