Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
