She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
