Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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