Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
