I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
