It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
false alarm, still single
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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