Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
