I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She told me I should be a condom model.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
