u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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