I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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