I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
