He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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