Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
