i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
