Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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